My Last Dance
by FailingDemi
Summary: There's so much I want to tell her. She’s just standing there, I could tell her now and get it over with. But I can’t do it, not right away. I offer my hand towards her and bent onto a knee, my head lowers and I ask meekly: “Can I…dance with you?” KaoHaru


A/N: WOOSH! It's a KaoHaru oneshot! REJOICE! -runs around in a cirlce- I KNEW THAT I HAD TO GET KAOHARU IN MY ARCHIVE SOON, BUT WOO!! I HAVE IT NOW:D

Anyways...-cough-...this fic...is kind of angsty, I guess. **If you need to know the timeline...it's screwed up.** -simpers- Okay. It takes part in both the manga AND the anime. It happens (in the manga) after the twin's REAL fight, and (in the anime) during the autumn festival thingy, after they grabbed Tamaki back and Hikaru broke his arm, yada yada. So the timeline is screwy. -thumbs up- Who cares.

And I'd like to dedicate this ficlet to: **-'Kumori-Koi-Chan'- **I thought of you when writing this because you were such a KaoHaru fanatic. xD So. Here. A KaoHaru fic. ;D

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran Highschool Host Club

Beta'd by: Capiorcorpus! (cept I took the edited stuff and added, so there ARE some mistakes...)

WARNING: GHASP. I WROTE IN PRESENT TENSE. O.O It's my first time-ish, so yeah...you might find stuff screwed in there. And one more thing (to a fellow friend)--Lit...I know you're out there, and no saying how much it sucks. O.O

Written in Kaoru's POV. It may be OOC, because of the KaoHaruness. Yes, yes, I **know **that Kaoru gave up on her in the manga, yada yada. Let me have a bit of belief, sheesh.

* * *

_I feel like I'm not giving enough…_

I sit at the bench of the night festival, watching others dance to the orchestra that was playing. I dazedly watch the autumnal leaves fall onto the school grounds. I already changed out from my orange-colored England cosplay clothes; Dono requested us to get into white tuxedos that were different from the ones earlier today. The girl member of the club was to wear a silk and white dress.

My eyes are now set on one of the dancing students. Dono twirls her around gracefully, dancing with a content face on.

Several people stop by me and ask if I would want to dance with them; I shake my head and turn them down. The girls leave me with a…_You should enjoy this festival, Kaoru-kun._

I close my hazel eyes. I'm too worried to enjoy myself, and I didn't even think about how the girls could tell me apart from my brother. As I think of it for a while, my twin props down next to me; we're almost perfectly identical if he didn't have a sling for his arm. With that stupid sling, I had to help him change out of his blue costume and into a tux.

His arm still hadn't gotten proper treatment. _Just a sore bone_, he told me in the room.

"You're not going to dance?"

"Why should I?"

He shrugs. He looks at the cloth sling on his right arm. "Kaoru, you should be happy. Dono came back, everything's back in order. The drama's all over."

"You got hurt though," I whisper. Guilt is evident on his face.

Hikaru scratches his head and assures me, "Reckless driving. I should've listened to you."

I hum and look away. Hikaru stands up and pats me firmly on my shoulder. He says, "Enjoy yourself, okay?"

And then he leaves. I don't pay attention to the things around me, and everything slowly became quiet. The music faded into the background and now sounds like a buzz. It feels like I'm in my own world.

And then someone disrupts my world. She sat besides me but didn't look at me. Silence ensues between us; I don't expect her to say anything to me, but she opens her mouth and she starts, "Kaoru, is something bothering you?"

I blink into my senses, and turn to look at her. I smile at her and reply cheerily, "No. Why?"

Her brown eyes stare into mine, and she knows that I'm lying. I don't need a reason to tell her why. She stands up, and I follow her in sut. I don't know what she's thinking, but I have a feeling that she wanted me to take her somewhere to explain everything. Somewhere away from all these distractions.

I hesitate slightly, before quietly murmuring, "Come." I took her hand and led her away from the dancing crowds. No one notices that we're gone, not even Dono who seems to have some weird tracking device on her.

She became submissive to my lead as I took her into the building, through the large open doors. We travel through the empty hallways, up the stairs, anywhere that was far away from the event outside. I stopped walking as we were enclosed in a deserted classroom, and released her hand.

She looks at me worriedly as I take steps away from her.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" she asks. I remain silent as I stare out the windows. The trees were lit with gold from the lights that illuminated the ground below it. I take in a deep breath and then let it out. I turn around to look at her with my golden eyes.

There's so much I want to tell her. She's just standing there, I could tell her now and get it over with. But I can't do it...not right away.

I offer my hand towards her and bent onto a knee, my head lowers and I ask meekly:

"Can I…dance with you?"

She takes a long time to answer. My offer probably wasn't as great as Dono could make it, but I still have the intention to dance. I look up at her curiously; she's smiling in response. She places her slender fingers into my hand and they curl inward. A light tug made me stand up, and she says, "Okay."

My hands were gentle, yet firm, around my partner's slim waist; my hand intertwines with hers. I smile; she only stares back at me, but eventually, her lips part into a fragile smile. I don't want to risk everything and shatter it.

_But I guess I have to._

I begin waltzing carefully, so we wouldn't bang into the desks.

We're alone in the deserted classroom. Dancing…just dancing. I know we aren't the only ones dancing. The others are away from our separate world, enjoying themselves downstairs. It's only Haruhi and I here.

The orchestra outside is heard in the classroom. Music played from downstairs, the faint, light and gentle music accompanying our slow pace. The melodic song rings ghostly in the room, as scented candles inside the room are still flickering from the activities earlier that day. The air weighs heavy with an aroma of refreshing mint.

Her slender hand rests on my shoulder, and the one in my hands tightens, asking for me to tell her what was bothering me.

I'm scared of telling her, and she notices my fear almost instantly.

I mask my eyes, hiding the sorrow and pain underneath the golden cover. But as much as I try, she sees through it, and continues to hold my hand while we dance across the floor. "It's alright," she says, stepping forward. "I'm listening."

I gulp nervously, looking down at her. I say, "It...would be a matter of time when the pumpkin would turn into something other than a carriage." I swallow and my lips crease into a frown.

She stares at me, trying to comprehend what I was saying.

_I'm lying._

"Yeah, that's it," I end lamely. I don't have anything else to tell her; she's all knowing, so she knew what I was worrying about. I almost stop dancing, but her placid push forces me to take a step back. Her eyes are looking through me, and I say with a sigh, "I wished that the ride would be much longer…but it's stopping."

"What're you saying?"

"The carriage preserves our current relations. The whole club…was placed in a position where things ran…like a family. Dono…did that," I murmur. She patiently listens. "The spell that holds us all in this family position is going to break, if one of us falls in love with another. Things won't be the same after that."

"That won't happen," she says.

"It will," I protest. I twirl her, and she spins. Her silk dress flares up slightly in the twirl, and I catch her in my arms, her back meets my chest. I can feel her brown tresses brushing underneath my chin, and a scent of light cinnamon drift to my nose.

_I feel like I'm betraying him..._

"I've always thought…that our image would crumble. The carriage would turn back to a pumpkin, and the Host Club…would fall. Everyone would hate each other…" I wince slightly. "I don't want to see that happen. Not soon."

She turns her head to me slightly. "Is that what you're worrying about?"

I nod meekly, but it doesn't worry me much. She laughs quietly, bringing a hand to graze my cheek with her fingertips. "You're thinking too much, Kaoru."

"I'm thinking enough," I argue. She turns around and catches my hand, beginning the pace again. Her eyes are saying something to me, but I can't tell what it is. I don't know what else that I could say to express the other part of my worry.

_Or fear. _

"Maybe," she agrees playfully. I'm nervous. "But you'll never know. One day…everyone is going to grow up with their own little special person."

"It's not possible," I say, my golden eyes moving away from her face. "I…don't think that I can find another girl that I can play around with, other than you."

"Worlds expand. You're changing. Everyone is. We have to accept things like that," she says calmly. My eyes wander back to her and she's smiling at me. "Sometimes, things are…happening too fast."

I stay silent. Despite the lack of space, we move gracefully around, weaving aimlessly among the desks.

"But when we see that everything is turning to something that's irreversible, we'll panic…and we'll try to keep it the way it was. Sometimes, we have to allow things to change. There's no sense to keep things as it is," she continues. I start to see everything make sense.

She faltered slightly, "But then again…sometimes…I…don't know what good it'll do when I let things change."

I say nothing, remembering the fight that Hikaru and I had over her. She was worried, I reason in my head. Things do change…

"When things happen, all I know how to do is study," she murmurs. "I know how to do equations, deal with languages, vocabulary, and exams. I don't know how to call truce; I don't know how to react to certain situations; I feel like I don't want things to change…at all."

She momentarily stops in her pace, but kept speaking, "And sometimes…I don't know what to do when things get out of hand…and everything depends on me to make the decision…"

I smile painfully at her, and I pull her close to me. My arms wrap around her, and I notice that she stiffened. That's a change alright. I say into her hair, "Haruhi, its okay. You'll know one day. Anxiety…is something everyone goes through."

She closes her eyes and relaxes a bit. "You're…right," she mutters into my white tuxedo. "I shouldn't be worried."

Something cold shoots up my body, I shudder. I push her away as gently as I could. "Me too," I agree, picking up the dance where we left off as casually as I could. "I was wondering what I should do…after the fight. Hikaru moved on, and I found it hard to. But there's a lot of time…so we shouldn't waste it by worrying too much."

"Yeah…" she assents, nodding. "You're right." She looks at me and smiles. "You just contradicted yourself."

"I guess I did." I smile; the load's off my chest, but not entirely. I squeeze her hand and murmur, "Thank you for listening to me. These things are hard to explain to…Hikaru, or anyone else for that matter."

"I should thank you," she says, a small tint of pink on her face. Haruhi's eyes are looking through me, _at me_.

She takes a step forward; I take a small step back. Everything becomes silent, as Haruhi's looks into my eyes. I stare back at her, wondering what she's thinking behind those chocolate orbs. But with this closeness, there's no use to get high hopes now, especially with a moment with her like this.

I already know that she has a better chance of going to Dono. Hikaru…will keep fighting for her, but I know that she won't love him. He's probably at the edge of conceding defeat, but he'll be fine with it. _If she loves him, then...Dono…deserves it_, was what he said to me. _Dono deserves to have her._ But I know he really wants her for himself.

I was the first to recognize my love for her…and the first to surrender it. I won't keep her for myself, that's a given. She'll be for Dono or Hikaru, or even Kyouya-sempai, as long as I'm not caught up on the mess...I'm fine.

_But…_

"Hands quivering," Haruhi murmurs, as she advances toward me. I blink and look at her, slight surprise on my face. "Breathing erratic, eyes trembling…Kaoru…you're not telling me everything, are you?" She looks at me; her sharp gaze pierced through my hazel orbs. "What are you…scared about?"

She found out.

_I can't let her go._

"Scared…?" I ask, my smile turning into a skeptical smirk. "Why would I be scared?"

Her eyes. They stare into me, looking at my very thoughts. I retreat farther back, hoping that the distance would prevent her from seeing my thoughts and feelings. I ran out of space to retreat to.

I'm pinned.

Haruhi and I stop dancing, it clicks in my mind that the candles burned out. We're in darkness; the lights coming from the windows kept the room from fading into black. In the shadows, I see her eyes sympathetically gazing at me. I wanted to open my mouth and ask her why she was looking at me that way.

"You're scared," she says. I blink in confusion, and I swallow. "Why?"

"I...don't know what you're talking about," I reply firmly. I'm lying. I knew what she was saying. I knew what I was scared of. I just didn't want her to know that I'm scared.

_She's much safer in my arms._

I pushed the selfish thought to the back of my mind. I don't want Hikaru _or _Dono to be hurt if I keep her to myself. I have to give her up fully, I _have _to. I shut my eyes and inhale deeply. I want my voice to sound strong, but a shaky voice replaces it, "You're…wrong. I'm not."

"That's not what you're trying to convey," she says. I wish that Haruhi would stop. "You're…_nicer_…Kaoru."

I flinch on my brother's behalf. She ignores and continues, "You're always…looking out for people, you're looking out for Hikaru. You're always thinking about him, and whenever you look at me, I have this suspicion that you're distancing yourself from me."

I have a feeling that Haruhi is becoming more…observant.

"Do you remember the time at Karuizawa?" Haruhi asks. I remember, so I nod. "That time you ask me on a 'date'. I wondered what you were up to; you were actually doing it for Hikaru, didn't you?"

I say nothing. I'm starting to feel slightly guilty about that. I wonder if she knew that I was match-making them.

"You were actually giving Hikaru an opportunity to apologize," Haruhi says. Not really, I think in my head. "Selfless, that's what you are. But you have to let me know your problems. Hiding it to yourself just because you're afraid that it would worry me…isn't good."

She's completely wrong. I'm not selfless. I'm _selfish_; I always want something secretly. I will it in my head—

_-I want you, I can't let you go, because I need you.-_

I seriously need to be punished. I need to sacrifice something important in place of all the selfish acts and thoughts that I ever committed. She places a hand on my cheek; it's warm, but I flinch as if it's cold and painful. I slap her hand away from my cheek in an instant.

_No. I can't be selfish anymore._

_I'm scared…that I'm not doing enough._

She looks at me, questioning why I reacted strangely. I don't want her to touch me, I don't deserve her. No, I'm selfish; I have to give more than what I'm willing for myself. Haruhi lowers her gaze. I can't see what she's thinking or feeling.

"Something's wrong. Afraid…You're scared," she whispers. My heart is starting to sink. Haruhi grabs my face with her hands, and forces me to look at her. I don't want to hurt her by slapping her away, but I don't want her touching me either. "Kaoru. Remember when you asked me that day…?"

"No," I say. I'm telling more deceitful lies, and she doesn't believe me. I can't take it anymore, I can't keep lying to her and to myself. I clench my eyes shut and I draw out a long confession.

"I…I'm not doing enough. I'm selfish in whatever I do. Hikaru will know that I'm doing things only for myself and he'll hate me and disown me." I start to tremble. "I don't want to hurt Dono either. I feel that…if I take away the only thing that he treasures, then I would be ungrateful to what he did for me."

I feel my knees buckle, and I collapse onto the ground. I sat on my heels, my back against the wall, my head hung from my shoulders. I'm in defeat. She knows. She's probably looking at me, sickened at my words.

"I'm not selfless," I say, looking at the floor. "I'm not doing enough. I'm selfish in every way you see me, I'm just…"

The smell of cinnamon comes close, and the tingling warm hand rests on my forearm. "Is this…a nightmare to you?"

"Every day…every waking moment. Whenever I touch you, speak to you, smile at you…it's another act of self-interest," I mumble. "This nightmare haunts me. It comes to me, and says that I didn't do enough. That Hikaru hates me. That I'm so self-wanting, not noticing what he wants and needs; I'm always thinking about myself."

"Wrong," she says stiffly and angrily. I look up in surprise, and I stare at her. Her eyes are fierce and she's…_glaring_ at me. "You're wrong, Kaoru. Wrong, wrong, _wrong_!" I cringed at the tone she fired at me.

"Kaoru, if you only _knew _how…sacrificing you are. You're nice _and_ kind; you don't need to force yourself just to be unselfish. Hikaru would never hate you,; he knows that you're just…human. And _all_ humans are selfish, Kaoru. You're not the only one."

I look weakly at her.

"Looking out for others, knowing what they want and need and trying to get it for them," Haruhi says. Her brown eyes close and she calms down from her previous shout. "Doing that all the time gets tiring. No one's perfect, Kaoru. It's okay to do what you want and know what you need."

"…No, it's not okay," I retaliate. "I…don't want to hurt two people. They'll hate me. I know they will. I don't want to be the cause of the Host Club's seperation."

She opens her eyes at me and looks in confusion. She blinks and then asks, "What is this about?"

"You."

Haruhi's eyes widen, as she took the time to process what I said. She confirms, "Me? I'm the problem? I'm the cause?"

"My cause," I correct her. I muster the little strength I had, and I stood up, with Haruhi following my action. I turn away from her and mutter,"I'm sorry I caused this trouble for you." I start to walk towards the door. "I think I have some things to clear up—"

She grabs me by the arm and pulls me close; I glance at her, and Haruhi's face is desperate. I don't recall seeing her like that. "It…It's okay, Kaoru. If you want to tell me…I'm here."

I stop in my steps, and murmur quietly, "That night...when we came back from the amusement park. Do you remember what you said to me? That being selfish and playing with other people's feelings are wrong? I could end up lonely, you said. Well," I tilted my head slightly. "you were right, and I didn't understand that until now. I am lonely, and being quite selfish too."

Haruhi blinks, and releases her grip on my arm. I catch her hand and give it a light squeeze. I bring it to my lips and they softly touch her skin. "It was a pleasure dancing with you," I say against her hand, winking at her as if nothing had gone wrong. I turn around to leave, as I let my hand fall limp to my side.

"I enjoyed it."

_I want to hold her close and smell the cinnamon that emits from her deep chocolate-brown hair. I want to feel the warmth of her hand in mine, as we twirl gracefully across the tiles. I want to be able to converse and talk with her gently while we waltz in a quiet atmosphere. I want to see her happy and safe in only my arms. _

_But…_

_I can't._

_There won't be another time. Because once I released her hand—_

_I vowed…to never touch it again. I vowed to never give into my needs and wants. I vowed to never think of myself. _

_I'll always treasure this memory…_

…_as my last dance with her._

* * *

A/N: -coughhackswheezecough- That was freakishly...angsty...I think. -doesn't know what genre to put it in.- BLAH. Whatevers. It's done! And do not criticize some parts where there are some...tense problems. I KNOW I SUCK AT PRESENT TENSE.

-cough-

Anyways. Reveiw!

--Until next time,

--Demi-kun.


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